


City of Lights

by mag_and_mac



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Depression, Ouch, Slow Burn, but like, sadrien angstgreste, slow burn for angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-05-27 02:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15014648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_and_mac/pseuds/mag_and_mac
Summary: A bunch of short chapters that portray Adrien Agreste's very, very slow descent into depression, and his equally slow recovery as he finds help from all around.Most recent:The look on his face must have been the picture of misery, because her eyes immediately softened.“I’m sorry,” She said, “I shouldn’t have snapped. Look at you,” She tsked and gestured to his body, “You’re barely able to stand half the time.”





	1. Chapter 1

Adrien smiled dryly at the antics of his kwami as he begged for cheese, but his lips had long-since settled into a loose frown, and the smile felt tight.

He sat at his desk, head on his open palm as his tired brain struggled to process what he was reading. With every blink he took, his eyes would need to re-focus, so eventually he gave up, promising himself to do it during his lunch break.

Adrien rubbed his eyes, fatigue seeping into his bones. 

"Plagg, c'mon. We're going to be late." He called, haphazardly throwing a bit of cheese into the air behind him. The kwami flew out of his hiding spot in his chosen's bed to grab the food before it hit the ground.

Adrien himself was not hungry, but he knew Plagg would need the energy to provide his with the freedom he loved so much.

As he heard Plagg finish the cheese, he turned to the god and wordlessly tugged open his over-shirt. As Plagg flew inside, Adrien heard Nathalie call him for breakfast.

He walked slowly down the stairs, a new habit that had replaced his old one of running down, leaping over three at a time. The door to the dining room did not creak as he opened it. It was perfect. Perfect was the only thing good enough for Gabriel Agreste.

Nathalie was already seated in the chair next to his, tablet in hand, as he walked to his chair. In front of it sat half a grapefruit on a plate that was probably worth more than the apartments some of his friends lived in. 

It looked perfect, plated with some sort of fruit syrup (he didn't know which. He didn't know a lot of things about his life).

It also reminded him that he did not have the energy to eat, all of what little he runs on zapped by an early morning akuma.

He had lost focus staring at the grapefruit from halfway across the room, so he didn't notice Natalie get up to put her and on his shoulder in a rare show of emotion.

"Are you okay, Adrien?"

He startled, but quickly regained composure. "Yeah, Nathalie. I'm just not hungry."

She bit her lip, and emotion she wasn't allowed to show sitting barely out of reach. "You weren't hungry yesterday, either."

He looked down.

"Your schedule for today." She finally sighed, handing him her tablet as she left the room through the large wooden door behind him.

He readjusted the strap on his shoulder, as he left for school, breakfast forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

Adrien felt a lot better the next day. He had managed to get to bed at a reasonable time the night before, and all the bone-deep exhaustion had been, for the most part, swept away.

School was easy, as always, for his years of home-tutoring left his years ahead of where he should have been. He allowed himself to zone out of the lesson, but no daydreams came to him, so he just sat. He wasn't listening, but wasn't focused on anything else.

Except for Nino's hand as it waved excitedly in front of him.

"Dude, class has been over for like two minutes, and you haven't moved. You good?"

Adrien shook his head to regain focus as he replied, "Yeah, man," He paused for a second before he added, "You wanna eat lunch with me? I saw a place down the street a while ago that could be interesting."

Nino bit his lip. "I would, bro, but I got plans with Al and Mari."

_Oh._

The DJ quickly added, "But, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you came! We're all friends and stuff. We just, y'know, thought you would have a photoshoot or something."

_They hadn't even asked. Was he really that much of a flake that it came to the point that-_

_It didn't matter._

He forced a model smile on his face as he shook his head. "No, it's okay. Go have fun. I should probably go home and check if Nathalie updated my schedule, anyway."

Nino's smile was hesitant. "You sure, man?"

He smiled as an answer. He couldn't find it within himself to do much else.

"You're the best, you know that, bro?"

Again,

He smiled.


	3. Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay?? So?? Holy shit?
> 
> 5 comments in 1 day?
> 
> Thank you????? I don't know what I did to deserve such nice readers :,)
> 
> because i'm a comment hoe, heres my thank you gift: the next chapter! <333

He knew the material. He had known for years. But as he was seated at his desk, science homework in front of him, he couldn't understand. In the dark room (he had not bothered with the light switch, for when he had come into his room it had been light, and he had not gotten up since), the words mocked him. He stared at sentence after sentence, not realizing he couldn't understand a word until he had already read so much, he didn't know when he stopped absorbing it.

_Why couldn't he read it?_

"Kid?" His kwami called.

_He knew this, he knew this, he did. He. Knew. This._

"Kid."

_He could do it. He just needed to-_

"Goddamnit, Adrien."

_Focus. Focus. Focus. Focusfocusfocus_

"Adrien!"

_It's okay. Everything's fine. Just read it again from the top of the page. Just. Focus._

He startled when an irritated kwami flew in front of the page he was reading, effectively blocking his view of the words.

"What?" Adrien snapped, already bothered by his inability to complete his simple homework assignment.

Plagg bit his lip. He had seen this before.

"I'm bored." He answered. He thought it came with the bad luck he bestowed upon his chosens.

"Go eat some cheese." The model rolled his eyes, flicking the creature out of the way.

"I want to run."

"I'm busy."

Plagg didn't know what to do. The kid obviously needed a break.

"But I want to run." No he didn't. But he knew Adrien did, however hard he may deny it.

"You want a lot of things, Plagg."

The kwami was not sentimental. He was not grateful. He was, most certainly, not a beggar. Or at least, he tried to hide those parts of himself. Which is why Adrien's eyebrow shot up at his kwami's small voice as he said, "Please."

He sighed. "Fine. But only for a little bit, yeah?"

"Perfect." Plagg nodded.

Adrien did not bother with his transformation sequence, simply standing still as his mask settled over his face.

He climbed out of his window, and went running as Chat. 

Adrien problems did not touch Chat Noir. They may be two halves to a whole, but he considered them just that. Two halves. Two completely different, completely separate halves. Usually.

This time, his cloudy brain was not replaced by a clear, perfectly functioning one. 

He still found himself unable to read; the words on billboards meant nothing to him. He didn't get it. He couldn't think.

He did, however think that the red spot speeding towards him was his partner.

She tumbled into him, sending them both flying backwards. She stood up, and brushed her hair behind her ear as she giggled.

"Sorry! I think I misjudged my speed."

_Smile._

He laughed. "And here I was thinking you were just excited to see me."

She rolled her eyes. "Why would I ever want to see you?" She answered, poking his nose.

_Smile, smile, smile._

He faked a gasp, and almost cringed at how _stupid_ he sounded. "Me-ouch!"

She laughed at him. "What are you doing out, anyway?"

He groaned. "My kwami was bored, and said he wanted to run. He wouldn't stop bothering me, until I took him. You?"

She looked confused. "It's my patrol night, silly."

_Of course. Of course! He knew that. Focus, focus, focusfocusfocus-_

"Hey!"

He jumped slightly. 

"Are you okay?" She asked him.

He snorted to mask his worry. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just told you I was thinking about carrying on with patrol, and you were just staring at me without answering."

"I- Uh... I was just lost in your beautiful eyes."

She rolled her eyes again, and pushed him away. "Stupid cat."

He chuckled. "See you, LB."

"Bye, Kitty Cat." She called, already swinging away.

He smiled to himself. She had done it. She had answered his question of why he couldn't focus. Why he couldn't think.

_"Stupid cat."_

That was it.

He was stupid.

_Focus. Focus. Focus. Focusfocusfocus. Stupidstupidstupid-_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter, like holy shit I can't believe I wrote this.
> 
> Don't read if you're easily triggered by suicide.

Adrien couldn't believe he ever dared call himself observant.

Not when he missed the dark circles under her eyes.

Not when he didn't see her skip meals often enough that eventually the chefs stopped making food for her.

Not when he missed how quiet and isolated she had made herself during those last few months.

Not after he pushed open the door to his parents' bedroom, and found her.

He had walked in, a quiet, "Maman, I need your help on this problem." on his lips, but it died as he saw her.

She was standing up, barely, one hand bracing the desk for support. She whipped her head around as she heard the door oped, and he could see that her lips were trembling as much as the rest of her.

Once he managed to rip his eyes away from her glassy, wet ones, he could see the empty orange bottle she held in her hand.

"A-Adrien..." She said it with a stutter. It reminded him of Marinette.

His breath caught in his throat as he stepped towards her and his voice shook as he spoke, "M-Maman, t-those aren't y-your pills."

She didn't respond.

"T-they're Felix's."

Her knees gave out as soon as he finished speaking.

"Does it matter!?" She snarled with as much energy as she could muster, "He's dead! He's dead, Adrien, get over it!"

He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. His mother was dying.

"Get away from me!" His mother screamed, a sob ripping through the words.

So he ran. He ran out of the room, and through the house screaming for _anyone_ to _please come, his mother needed help_.

And, as he again cursed the house for being so empty, he pulled out his phone and called 112.

"P-please my mother is dying." He didn't allow the operator to speak, before he spat out his address and ran back to the room.

His mother had finally fallen completely to the floor, and her lips were blue. She looked like she was in the middle of a seizure, and he stood paralyzed.

He stood paralyzed when the paramedics pushed him out of the way and rushed to her.

And when he was shoved into a car by the gorilla, who sped behind the ambulance, not once letting it out of sight.

But not when the doctor came into the waiting room and called his name.

He ran up to the man.

The doctor, Dr. Phuetze, his nametag read, looked down at him. "Sir, I'm sorry," he began.

Adrien didn't allow him to continue, interrupting with a nervous laugh.

"W-why," He laughed, "Are you sorry? S-she's fine, r-right?"

The doctor bit his lip.

"M. Agreste, we did everyth-"

"No!" Adrien's lip trembled. "She's fine! She's fine. _Please_."

"I'm sorry."

The doctor, however, was interrupted by Adrien's phone ringing.

He ignored it, but it rang again.

"What?" He spat into it.

"Adrien, your father wishes for you to return to school." Nathalie's voice crackled from the other end.

_Of course, of course. Because you killed your mother, and he doesn't want you here when he comes._

"Yes, Nathalie." He sighed.

He ended the call, looked at the doctor, and ran.

It was already lunch break, and the sun was bright. He wanted to be anywhere that wasn't school, but he knew Nathalie would be notified if he didn't go.

_Look at Nino over there. He hates you. Everyone hates you, because you killed your mother._

He wanted to cry. And hide. He definitely wanted to hide.

He looked over to Marinette. Marinette stuttered around him, just like his mother stuttered when-

_Stop._

He was standing at the base of the steps like an idiot.

_Idiot._

Nino waved him over.

_He hates you, don't go._

But his legs moved anyway. He could feel everyone staring at him as he moved.

He could see their stares. He could see their orange bottles, and blue lips-

_Stop._

"Bro, are you okay? You look like death."

_Death. His mother was dead because he-_

_Stop._

"I'm fine. I was at a photoshoot all morning."


	5. Chapter 5

That had been a year ago.

They had told the press that she had gone missing.

_"It won't do any good to have a suicide on the Agreste name, Adrien. Nothing will sell."_

Because that's all they were, he and his mother. Business Assets.

It was the anniversary of that day.

His father threw himself into his work, and the first time he talked to Adrien after the 'incident' had been to scold him for running to school rather than going with the gorilla, who had been waiting outside.

He hadn't talked to Adrien much since then.

_Because you killed his wife._

He didn't know why.

_Because you killed your mother._

It didn't matter.

_Murderer._

An easy smile and good grades could fool anyone. Nathalie had put him into therapy after it happened, but it seemed he had gotten so much better in just two months that it was okay for him to stop.

_She hated you so much, she had to kill herself to escape._

If he was being honest with himself, he had seen her so little in the months before she die-

Before she disappeared, that it would have hardly been a blow if it hadn't been for the circumstances in which he found her.

He just wanted to forget.

But he couldn't.

Because a little voice in his head kept blaming him, and a small black cat wouldn't stop asking if he was okay.

_Yes, Plagg, I'm fine._

He would never have let himself forget, anyway. He didn't deserve peace of mind after what he had done.

_Stupid._

He heard a knock on his door.

_Stupid, worthless murderer._

He went to go open it, expecting Nathalie there to inform him of another photoshoot, but was surprised. It was the gorilla.

_Of course you were wrong. You're always wrong. Why would Nathalie want to see you?_

He lay his large hand on Adrien's shoulder after a moment's hesitation, and Adrien would think that what he said was the first time he heard his bodyguard's voice.

"Kid, I'm wondering if you're okay. You know... after last year."

It was deep. Not as gruff as he thought it would be.

"Kid?"

He had a Normand accent.

"Adrien?"

Adrien jumped slightly. "Oh! Yeah.. um, I'm fine. Thank you." He kicked at the floor.

Gorilla frowned.

"If you're sure..."

"Uh, yeah. I am. I'm just, y'know, doing homework."

The gorilla nodded slowly. "Well, if you need me, you know where I'll be."

"Yeah, uh, thanks." Adrien replied, already closing the door.

_He doesn't want to help you. He just wants to make sure you always have someone with so you can't go kill anyone else._

He moved back to his desk. He didn't think he was crying, but there were water droplets on his homework, so he was confused.

The ink began to bleed and the pages began to crinkle, where his tears fell.

_Now you're going to have to buy another book. Idiot._


	6. Break Pt. 1

“Man, a week of break! What’re you gonna do?” Nino asked his best friend as the school’s final bell rang.

Adrien offered him a small smile. “Not much, bro. My father’s got me modeling every day except tomorrow.”

Nino rolled his eyes in disgust. “Your old man sucks balls.” He said. He waited for a moment before adding, “What are you doing tomorrow, then?”

“I don’t know. I don’t get days off often enough to really know what to do with them.”

Nino clicked his tongue. “Well we’d better fix that. We’re gonna eat hot dogs and go to the arcade tomorrow, ‘kay?”

Adrien bit his lip. “But, you know my fath-”

The DJ flicked his friend on his forehead. “Your dad can suck my ass.”

Adrien snorted.

-

Adrien woke up the next day at five in the morning, a habit long since ingrained in him. He moved past a sleeping Plagg and checked his phone.

 

_Nibro; 1:38 A.M.: does 10 work 4 u bro???? so wecan get lunch and go 2 the arcade and then like??? meet the girls later it you want???_

The model smiled at his phone as he typed out a reply.

_You; 5:07 A.M.: Yeah, ten in fine. But don’t think I don’t know that you just want to see the girls so you can check out Alya._

He set his phone down and began to walk to his bathroom to start a shower as his phone beeped.

_Nibro; 5:07 A.M.: 1st of all: r00d, 2nd of all go the fuk 2 sleep y r u awak at 5 in the fukin mornin on break_

_You; 5:08 A.M.: How about you try and not be up until three every day?_

_Nibro; 5:08 A.M.: fukin pussy_

_You; 5:08 A.M.: Nino?_

_Nibro; 5:08 A.M.: Ye?_

_You; 5:09 A.M.: Go to sleep._

_Nibro; 5:10 A.M.: awww u do care_

_You; 5:10 A.M.: Of course I do, bro._

_Nibro; 5:10 A.M.: bro_

_You; 5:11 A.M.: broski_

_Nibro; 5:11 A.M.: brotato chip_

_You; 5:11 A.M.: brozen brogurt_

_Nibro; 5:11 A.M.: edgar allen bro_

_You; 5:12 A.M.: bromato_

_Nibro; 5:12 A.M.: cheese ravibroli_

_You; 5:13 A.M.: desbrocito_

_Nibro; 5:13 A.M.: man I cant top that_

_You; 5:14 A.M.: Good, then go to sleep._

_Nibro; 5:14 A.M.: r00d_

Adrien rolled his eyes at his phone with a slight chuckle, and went to start his shower. When he finished, Plagg was still asleep. He walked to his desk chair and spent the hours until he was scheduled to go out, on the internet.

Ten rolled around, and soon enough, a DJ stood fiddling with his hat as Gabriel’s assistant interrogated him.

Adrien was running out the door, tugging on his jacket as he ran, before Nathalie could scare Nino away.

“You ready?” He panted, tugging Nino away from the camera. He flashed a smile to it as he left, so as not to alert Nathalie.

“Always, my dude. Arcade?”

“Yeah. Which one?”

“Uhh,” Nino paused for a moment, “The one down by Mari’s is free if we go before noon.”

“Sounds great.” Adrien nodded as the began walking again.

The walked past Marinette’s bakery, and Adrien’s jaw almost hit the floor. He had never realized quite how many things they offered, and he could only see what was in the window.

“So I was thinking 100 toke- Oh my god, dude. Stop drooling; We’ll go later.”

Adrien quickly shut his mouth and blushed. “I- I wasn’t- I don’t-”

Nino cut him off with a laugh, and pulled open the door to the arcade.

They headed inside, and chose their first game. By the time noon rolled around, and they were on their last two tokens, Adrien had beaten Nino in all but two of the games. They inserted their coins into an arcade version of piano tiles, in which, by the end of it, Adrien’s score was over triple Nino’s.

The buzzer sounded to indicate the end of the game, and Nino snorted as he looked at the scores. “Man, you’re good at everything.”

Adrien froze.

_“Mom, are you sure you’re not hungry?” His younger self begged._

_“I’m good.” Him mother lied with a distracted ruffle of his hair._

He knew what good meant.

_His father rifled through the shots of what Adrien had modeled for Gabriel’s latest line. The designer pulled his lips into a thin grimace. “Those photos were… good.”_

Good wasn’t enough.

_His piano teacher bit her lip as she reached for his sight-reading booklet after just hearing him play. She flipped to a simpler song and put it back in front of him. “That was… good? Let’s just stick to this for now, though, yeah?”_

Good wasn’t perfect.

“Bro, are you okay?”

Adrien jumped. “Yeah,” He swallowed.

 

 

“Yeah,” He repeated, “I’m good.”


	7. Break Pt. 2

He doesn’t know when, but he eventually began to notice the little things.

His latest collection was spread across his father’s desk. Gabriel was droning on about _something_ that Adrien wasn’t very interested in listening to. He was more focused on the pictures themselves.

Had that small gap between his two front teeth always been there?

Had his cheeks always been so _fat_?

Why was his left eye higher than his other one?

Since when-

“Adrien, could you at least _pretend_ to listen to me?” Gabriel pinched his nose.

He jumped slightly as he mumbled a simple, “Of course.”

“Then you would know that I told you we have a meeting with your photographer at seven, yes?”

“Of course.”

Gabriel shook his head and waved his hand to signify the end of their meeting.

-

Adrien was silent on his ride back to the cafe. He had a few hours between meetings and shoots, so he had texted Nino, and they decided on an impromptu gathering. He had nobody to talk to in the cold car except for his driver, and he had never heard the man utter a word. His meeting with his father had lasted from eleven to three, leaving no time for lunch, but Adrien was not hungry, even though it had been hours since he had eaten.

_Or days? He couldn’t remember. Had he eaten breakfast?_

It didn’t matter. If he wasn’t hungry, he could skip the meals and blame it on ‘model stuff’. As much as his friends may not like it, they couldn’t do much.

Nino wasn’t there yet. Or Alya.

Marinette was.

It was odd; Typically Nino and Alya were early to everything and Marinette would arrive a bit after what could be considered fashionably late.

Marinette confused him. She was outgoing and fiercely kind, which he admired greatly, but- while she had never been rude to him- he could feel her hatred of him as though it were tangible in every interaction they had. He had originally thought she had some sort of grudge against him for the gum incident, but he quickly saw she was not the type to hold onto something so small. She didn’t hate anybody except for him and Chloe, which greatly upset him. As much as he used to love his childhood friend, she had changed into somewhat of a monster over the years, and he didn’t much like to be grouped in with her.

When he approached Marinette, he could see her eyes widen and her smile falter, and he couldn’t help but feel angry at himself for whatever it was that he had done to her.

“Hey, Mari,” He started. Her smile twitched at the use of the nickname. 

_Only friends call her that. What? You think you’re her friend? You? Idiot. Stupid._

“Looks like we’re here first.” He continued.

_Wow. Really. Thank you for that wonderful insight. You will truly be the next Albert Einstein._

“Oh!” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear shyly and looked around, “Yeah, I guess so.”

_That’s your cue. She doesn’t want to talk anymore. Shut up._

“Do you, you know, have any design things going on?”

“I- uhh- Not really? I-I’m making a friend for something. I mean, something for a friend! I just- ugh.”

_Look at that. She’s literally groaning just because she has to spend time with you._

His stomach would have been churning if anything had been in it.

_Had he eaten since breakfast the day before?_

“Oh, do I know them?”

“Yeah, everybody knows Ch- I mean- No. They, uh, go to a school different!” She pointed finger guns at him.

“Oh,” He mumbled, “Are they nice?”

“Y-Yeah. He’s my best f-friend.”

Adrien nodded, about to reply, when he saw Nino waving them down from across the street. The DJ looked down the street, barely checking if there was any traffic, and sprinted across.

“Hey, guys! Al was with me, but I think she fell behind to look in some Ladybug and Chat Noir merch store. We could probably go ahead and order. I know what she likes, anyway.”

“Ooh,” Marinette wiggled her eyebrows, “You know what she likes, do you?”

Nino turned beet red, sputtered something out, and choked on the same traitorous air that Marinette seemed to always trip over. Adrien was, in the meantime, again shocked at how different her attitude was with anyone except for him and Chloe.

“I’m kidding, doofus.” She punched her friend's arm, “Let’s go in so we can order.”

The three of them walked in, Nino and Marinette animatedly teasing each other while Adrien walked silently behind. As they entered the modest building, he shut the door with a gentle jingle from the bell hanging on it.


	8. Chapter 8

“This is dumb.”

Adrien snorted, turning to his spotted partner. “You can say that again. Who gets akumatized because their maracas got stolen?”

“I don’t know, but this has been going on for half an hour. I have class!” Ladybug complained.

“Use your lucky charm. That’s got to _shake things up_.” He winked.

Ladybug rolled her eyes but called on her power, regardless.

As Ladybug stared, perplexed, at the clothing hanger in her hands, Chat Noir was trying his hardest not to be too obvious with blinking away the dark spots that threatened his vision. It was funny, he thought, because normally he was so happy to see black spots. Now he was almost ready to let out an audible groan. _It was not the time for that_.

“Hey, Chat? Can you go stand on that roof over there? Wait for my cue.” Ladybug lowered the hanger to her side. She must have figured out what to do.

“What?” He said. He couldn’t hear her over the ringing in his ears.

“Why are you yelling?”

Her face was beginning to fade away.

_No, no, no, nononono_

“Chat?” A hand was on his forehead, and another was behind his back gently guiding him to the ground.

His lips were tingling.

But there were more important matters at hand that his health.

“I’m fine.” He weakly fought against her grip.

“No, just stay here.”

“No, I-” He sucked in a breath of air, “I- I’m,”

He couldn’t breathe.

“I’m fine,” He muttered as the black overtook his vision.

-

“-at? Chat? Are you awake?”

Ladybug knelt beside him.

Plagg must have been making him a hell of a lot stronger because it was so much easier to get up from his little episode than when it had happened previously when he was detransformed. He was, unfortunately, used to this side effect of his habits.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, sitting up and pressing a hand to his pulsing forehead. “I’m good.”

“What the hell was that?” She asked. “You can’t just go around passing out during fights! You have to take better care of yourself.” The words were harsher than she intended.

The look on his face must have been the picture of misery, because her eyes immediately softened.

“I’m sorry,” She said, “I shouldn’t have snapped. Look at you,” She tsked and gestured to his body, “You’re barely able to stand half the time.”

“’M sorry.” He whispered as he busied himself with picking at one of his claws.

“Are you- Are you eating enough?”

_She knew, She knew, She knew, stupidstupidstupid-_

“Chat?”

“Oh! Um… yeah. I am.”

She frowned at him, but stood up anyway.

With one last hand on his shoulder she reminded him again to take care of himself, and began her journey home.

He left to go to his house as well, Plagg flying out of his ring the moment he dropped in through the window.

He ignored that weird urge he had been having lately to pick at his scabs.


End file.
